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Friday, January 19th, 2007
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the feeling puzzles me. thinking i can get over things. knowing i can get over things. but not wanting to get over things because that means something im not ready for.
a sharp pain radiates from my gut. drink. pain. drink. pain. drink. do you know what it feels like?
residue from my roomate's shit coats the toilet bowl. i pee angerly, with furvor, disloging it. i dissipates. disinigrates. swirls for a second. i flush.
i throw off pants, then shirt, replacing them with pyjamas between sentences.
you all kept asking me if i was ok today and tonight. i nodded back, in a cursory way, without pretention or reservation, but without sincerity. choosing instead to listen to your problems, your hurt, your pain.
i name dropped in class yesterday. it was embarrassing.
city lights twinkle in the distance. everything, everyone feels so far away. but its ok. the distance soothes me, makes my feelings justified. amplified. it feels good to cry. to cry out your name. silently. in my head, as i run my fingers violently through too long hair.
i pause for a moment. take a deep breath. the pain flares up, flooring me. i simultaneously want to cry, to cum, to feel something. its persistence worries me a bit. but not enough to do something about it.
im going to try therapy again. in my screening call, the woman asked me if i had any suicidal feelings, and if so, if i had gone as far as to visualize or plan it out yet. at the time the answers were yes and no. but now it is yes and yes. her suggestion suggesting the reality of the possibility. i have fantasies about disappearing one day. without a trace or trail. slipping out of everyone's lives as quietly as i first arrived.
you all wonder where i am for a moment. but you have your own issues to worry about. your own broken hearts to heal. your own dead mom, or dad, or friend to bury. and i don't question your loyalty or allegiance for that.
mother gone and buried. but i instead think about my own troubles, and fears, and pain. relegating your fate to another night's thoughts. night after night after night.
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Saturday, January 13th, 2007
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tears dance casually on lower eyelid. heart heavy from another night out. fruitless. you read this with a judging, almost suspicious eye. i glance back, confused, hurt, sad. i dont know where the hurt is coming from any more. it persists everywhere and anywhere. too many things to process, so they register, for a second, then disapear. build up.
i look around. left, and then right. in search of someone, anyone who can give me the template for how to navigate through this. i twitch from the wind, but i let the cold coat me because it makes me feel, something, anything. sarah wylie says she loves the cold because it makes her feel her skin. i think i know what she means.
out with the cold, in with the new. i try to forget. but it lingers, ever and omni-present. the newly planted palm tree across the street waves its fronds. casually. whimsically. as if to simultaneously say hello and fuck you.
my stomach aches from too much fried food, too sweet drinks, and two failed flirtations.
i miss my mommy. i miss you. i miss us. i miss feeling ok.
i pause for a second. reread the last line and mock myself silently. wondering who i think i am, writing such things. the pretentious cadence of another blog entry too self-conscious, too much in search of something.
i wonder when exactly it is that the that the tears will stop falling, my mind will be able to fixate on something new. that everything will just be. i mentally scourge my brain, thinking that mental rigor is the way to happiness, to peace. i read and re-read. knowing that my pathetic grasps are just that. im tired. and drunk. and sad. i feel like throwing up. and i probably will. its one of those nights.
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Friday, January 12th, 2007
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The sun shines down on supine body, eyes open, jaw sore from grinding teeth. i wonder, wish, wait for day when my first waking thoughts aren't about you. Your absence is thick, an omnipresent reminder of what it is that i wish i had, but don't. ive resorted to adolescent girl logic, trying, flailing to come up with the language to talk about what's missing, what's gone.
i look outside my window. An apartment door, a parked car, an emptied trash bin, a suggestion that im not alone. traces of people around me. we pass each other silently. sometimes sharing a momentary glance, mostly just looking down at shuffling feet. someone drives by, they have no idea that i am watching them. one might say that i am the caged one, the one in the aquarium, unable to engage with their world, but it feels like they are the ones behind glass.
Into
rollerblading,
kayaking,
hiking,
road trips,
theatre,
Baker Beach (sans clothing),
and venturing about the city
I'm not into asian or short latino men,but i do prefer white,black or east indian boys/men only.i don't get into one's bed before i get to know a guy a bit.
IM MASCULINE and love other masculin men who are chill and like to kick it
I'm looking for top guys with uncut dicks
Latinos A+++
i pull my hair. harder. harder. to make sure i still feel something. i do, but barely.
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Saturday, December 23rd, 2006
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i love you.
the car tires squeal a bit as a i pull into the parking spot. i got drunk again trying to cope with the reality that is you without me. me without you. im not sure if its monday or tuesday or wednesday or whatever day, but its an open spot and i pull in anyways. the beads of sweat still dotting my face from dancing somehow soothe me, windows rolled down, nipples hard from the chill of december night. the sounds too loud music washes over me, not quite sure what to make of the simultaneous urge to cry, to vomit, to smile. its time to let go. its time to grab hold. my emotions tug at me, from every direction, knowing each way is right.
i imagine us. older. sitting. we are happy. its unclear exactly how we are related. my arm is around you. your head rests against my chest. its not at all sexual. it just is. we reminisce, laughing about when things were more complicated. when we thought things were at stake. but we're different. we've moved on, wondering what it was that kept me hanging on for so long. we embrace lovingly, for longer than would be expected. but for us, its normal, unaware of what is right or wrong, we let go, slowly, lovingly, joyfully. because we know that what we have is something different--foreign, alien almost. something that doesn't make sense when put to the litmus test of reason. but something that makes sense to us. something so visceral, so deep, that we've stopped trying to define it but rather, we just let it breathe. we let it be.
i know you know what i'm talking about. i know you know what i feel. and im ready. im ready to let go, to let it be, to let it grow without definition, without expectation. i just want us to be happy. and you do too. and right now, that is enough.
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Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
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xkaliqtx (2 weeks ago)
i love tessa and rorcky their the best
xkaliqtx (2 weeks ago)
rocky**** soz
PriestessKagome8921 (1 week ago)
DO YOU MEAN ROCKY SUCKS? IF YOU DO THEN SHUT THE fUC* UP!
bqnbabygurl (1 week ago)
i hate kyndra she is an effin bitch!! that slut
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Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
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Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
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Lance Bass of `N Sync Reveals He's Gay
(07-26) 08:37 PDT New York (AP) --
Lance Bass, band member of 'N Sync, says he's gay and in a "very stable" relationship with a reality show star. Bass, who formed 'N Sync with Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick, tells People magazine that he didn't earlier disclose his sexuality because he didn't want to affect the group's popularity.
"I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys' careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said (that I was gay), it would overpower everything," he tells the magazine.
'N Sync is known for a string of hits including "Bye Bye Bye" and "It's Gonna Be Me." The band went on hiatus in 2002. Bass has also found headlines for undertaking astronaut training and failing to raise money for a trip into space.
Bass says he wondered if his coming out could prompt "the end of 'N Sync." He explains, "So I had that weight on me of like, `Wow, if I ever let anyone know, it's bad.' So I just never did."
The singer says he's in a "very stable" relationship with 32-year-old actor Reichen Lehmkuhl, winner of season four of CBS'"Amazing Race."
Bass and Fatone, 29, are developing a sitcom pilot inspired by the screwball comedy "The Odd Couple," in which his character will be gay.
"The thing is, I'm not ashamed — that's the one thing I went to say," Bass says. "I don't think it's wrong, I'm not devastated going through this. I'm more liberated and happy than I've been my whole life. I'm just happy."
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we'll actually you are alone, but you're not alone in feeling alone...
Americans' circle of close friends shrinking
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Americans are more socially isolated than they were 20 years ago, separated by work, commuting and the single life, researchers reported on Friday.
Nearly a quarter of people surveyed said they had "zero" close friends with whom to discuss personal matters. More than 50 percent named two or fewer confidants, most often immediate family members, the researchers said.
"This is a big social change, and it indicates something that's not good for our society," said Duke University Professor Lynn Smith-Lovin, lead author on the study to be published in the American Sociological Review.
Smith-Lovin's group used data from a national survey of 1,500 American adults that has been ongoing since 1972.She said it indicated people had a surprising drop in the number of close friends since 1985. At that time, Americans most commonly said they had three close friends whom they had known for a long time, saw often, and with whom they shared a number of interests.
They were almost as likely to name four or five friends, and the relationships often sprang from their neighborhoods or communities. Ties to a close network of friends create a social safety net that is good for society, and for the individual. Research has linked social support and civic participation to a longer life, Smith-Lovin said.People were not asked why they had fewer intimate ties, but Smith-Lovin said that part of the cause could be that Americans are working more, marrying later, having fewer children, and commuting longer distances.
The data also show the social isolation trend mirrors other class divides: Non-whites and people with less education tend to have smaller social networks than white Americans and the highly educated.That means that in daily life, personal emergencies and national disasters like Hurricane Katrina, those with the fewest resources also have the fewest personal friends to call for advice and assistance.
"It's one thing to know someone and exchange e-mails with them. It's another thing to say, 'Will you give me a ride out of town with all of my possessions and pets? And can I stay with you for a couple or three months?" Smith-Lovin said.
"Worrying about social isolation is not a matter of nostalgia for a warm and cuddly past. Real things are strongly connected with that," added Harvard University Public Policy Professor Robert Putnam, author of "Bowling Alone," a book on the decline of American community. He suggested flexible work schedules would allow Americans to tend both personal and professional lives.
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Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
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i cant believe i used to like her! this is so gross!
i just sat through them all and i dont understand why her hair isnt wet when she goes to bed in each one...
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Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
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Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
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<td>
<table border="0" width="450" bgcolor="#000000">
| David Yun is mostly likely to say the out-of-date phrase: | In your dreams space coyote |
| To: | Jack the Ripper |
|
| Why? | Because you saw them climb out of their grave |
| Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com |
</td>
</table>
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Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
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"Full House" Star Admits Meth Problem
Former Full House cutie Jodie Sweetin has earned herself a spot on the lengthy list of child stars gone wrong. During an appearance on Good Morning America Wednesday, Sweetin, who played middle sister Stephanie Tanner on the hit sitcom, revealed that she is a recovering meth addict and once battled a daily drug habit.
The ex-actress, 24, said she had trouble figuring out how to adjust to a regular childhood existence after Full House ended its run in 1995.
"There is a certain sense of loss when a series ends," Sweetin said. "It is kind of hard to figure out who you are when you've lost your job at age 13, when that was basically how you identified yourself."
In an attempt to lead a "normal" kid's life, Sweetin attended high school and college, graduating with a degree in liberal arts. In 2002, she married a Los Angeles police officer.
Though she occasionally appeared in bit parts on TV series, including Party of Five and Yes, Dear, Sweetin's acting career essentially stalled after Full House.Two years ago, bored and unemployed, the former child star began experimenting with drugs as a way to pass the time.
She was soon addicted to methamphetamine and using the debilitating drug every day.
Though Sweetin stops short of blaming her addiction on her child star lifestyle, she concedes that her career may have stripped her of some of the benefits of a typical childhood.
"Growing up in the business you have to grow up very fast--you do have a different type of childhood, that has its benefits and it has its drawbacks," Sweetin said Wednesday.
After a particularly bad three-day bender, which reportedly resulted in an intervention staged by her former Full House costars, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, John Stamos and Bob Saget, Sweetin checked herself into Promises rehab facility for six weeks of intensive therapy.
Clean and sober since March of last year, Sweetin now admits she was "living a total double life."
"I was married to a police officer--we are going through a divorce right now--he had no idea," she said.
Since kicking her addiction, Sweetin says she now hopes to get back into acting.
"I want to make movies, TV series, wherever the career takes me," she said. "I really hope this isn't the last people hear of me. In fact, I would like to make this a footnote in my career, not the end."
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Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
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i really miss you right now. i know we cant talk, but tonight is the first time its really hitting me...i feel helpless, scared, a bit noxious. im trying to figure out exactly what it is we are trying to prove. i will be thinking of you in my nyquil soaked dreams.
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Friday, December 16th, 2005
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Friday, December 2nd, 2005
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Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
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ROME (Reuters) - Your heartbeat accelerates, you have butterflies in the stomach, you feel euphoric and a bit silly. It's all part of falling passionately in love -- and scientists now tell us the feeling won't last more than a year.
The powerful emotions that bowl over new lovers are triggered by a molecule known as nerve growth factor (NGF), according to Pavia University researchers.
The Italian scientists found far higher levels of NGF in the blood of 58 people who had recently fallen madly in love than in that of a group of singles and people in long-term relationships.
But after a year with the same lover, the quantity of the 'love molecule' in their blood had fallen to the same level as that of the other groups.
The Italian researchers, publishing their study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology, said it was not clear how falling in love triggers higher levels of NGF, but the molecule clearly has an important role in the "social chemistry" between people at the start of a relationship.
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Saturday, November 26th, 2005
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my brother and i rocked a duet rendition of ashlee simpson's pieces of me...we broke the 30,000 point barrier and beat my cousin and aunt!
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Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
milkbreak's journal
